Good Arrangement...?

I spent the night with my ex-boyfriend on Sunday. Not the first time since we broke up. We did decided to be good friends after the break up and we are doing a damn good job. Shortly after I ended the pathetic relationship with the other guy, my ex and I suddenly fell into a confusing relationship. I wasn't sure what it meant at first because things did a complete turn around, almost all the way back to when we were together, but not exactly. At that time, I was confused and hurt by what happened. So, I was just looking for a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship because I didn't want to get my heart broken again. Turns out, I got exactly what I wanted.

We talked it over and agreed upon the FWB until one of us find someone. It's fun, actually. I wasn't sure how I'd take it, but I enjoy it. I get everything I want without the attachments or fear of hurting the other person. I get a companion when I need someone to be with, someone to watch movies with, someone to just fool around with. It's a great relationship because we are already so comfortable with each other and it comes naturally for us.

The only thing... Sunday was the first time since we broke up that we slept together in the same bed. The other times, we did our business, then he slept in the living room while I had his room. But Sunday was a little differnt. It wasn't just a quick roll in the hay. I don't know how to explain it, really. IT was just a little different.

We were watching movies in his room with the door shut and just hanging out. Of course, we messed with each other, but that's usual. We mostly were just laying together, one of us laying on the other usually. After a while, I got up the courage to ask him to sleep in the room with me. He said yeah and I was somewhat shocked. Oh well.

After messing with each other for a while, I finally fell asleep and he must have fallen asleep as well because I woke up a couple hours later with him pressed against me and his arm draped over my stomach. My hand had taken it's usual spot of resting on his. I didn't move for a moment because I just enjoyed the moment. It was the first time in a long time when I felt truly comfortable and oddly enough, at peace. I had missed sleeping with him so much and never really realized it.

I accidentally woke him up and we ended up finishing what we had started earlier. Then, we fell asleep again. Sadly, that time, we were under different blankets and I missed his warmth and being close to him. I wanted so badly to move closer to him, but I wasn't sure how he would react so I kept my distance. The next morning, we got up and acted like nothing ever happened. We had just fallen asleep.

But the craziest thing that happened to me was when we were together, I had the strong urge to say "I love you" a couple different times, but I knew I couldn't. That would just ruin things. He told me that our love was in the past and now we are just friends.

We are just helping each other out and having fun. I just wish things were different. I often go back to the times when we were together, good and bad. I miss that. I sometimes wish to go back to certain moments just because for a moment I could call him mine. It's stupid, huh?

All the same... My parents are entirely thrilled with the idea. They like him, but then they don't. They just don't really understand and I can say that honestly. They think they might, but this time, I know they don't. Other times, yes they understand, just not this time.

My mom has called me a slut at least once now. I'm not sure she meant it to sound like that, but that's how it came across. I never thought she would ever call me something like that, but I guess I underestimated her. I felt lousy that whole day and my date that I had was cancelled, so it turned out to be a horrible day.

Of course, I screwed things up with that guy as well. He's one of my best friends that I finally accepted that I would never have a chance with until he decided to ask me out on a date. What the hell, right? After two years of him saying nothing would ever happen between us, he went and did this. Then, I went and did that and ruined it. Lucky, we have the kind of relationship that things can get fixed easily because we can go a couple months or so without talking and nothing ever changes.

No Title...

I finally told my mom that I deleted your number from my phone and that I unfriended you on facebook. She was surprised, I could tell. I just told her that if you ever wanted to get back in touch with me, you knew how to find me. Of course, I highly doubt that you would ever get back in touch with me. You said yourself that you thought it best for us to go our seperate ways. Also, you moved on, right? So, why concern yourself with old news?

My mom told me that Dad responded to your mom's e-mail. He was very nice and polite about it. Your mom responded with just "oh, okay" or something like that. I don't know the specifics because I didn't see the e-mail. Mom just summed it up for me.

I might have been selfish to tell my Dad not to help your mom, but I don't care. You moved on, so should I. I refuse to keep waiting for a phone call or message or something that will never come. I refuse to let this keep me down. I might have thought that you and I had a future together, but I was wrong. You aren't the one for me.

Sure, I keep saying that I won't have anymore relationships ever and I'll probably be alone and all this other stupid stuff, but that's just because I'm hurt and so far, none of my relationships have worked out. I've only had two relationships. My first lasted 8 months, I think. While ours lasted a month or less? I'm not sure.

I'm just mostly tired of bad stuff happening to me, honestly. I've just had a tougher time since I started college, but I'm doing my best to continue through it and hoping that everyone is right in saying that in the end, things will be okay. I've been rained on for so long, I want some sun. Or at least I need to learn how to dance in the rain. It just seems like I can't be happy. That Life wants to keep my happiness limited. That's probably completely wrong, but that's how I feel. Whenever I wake up in a good mood for no reason, things happen to turn my mood sour or at least kill it a little bit. I hate it. Maybe I'm wrong and just making things worse for myself. Either way, I need to figure things out and chill.

I just watched a music video for one of my new favorite songs. It's really great. But it just made me think. I want to go on a date so bad. Like an official, old-fashioned date.

It'd go something like this: THe guy asks me out on a date. He picks me up at my house and we go to the movies where he does the really cliche arm-stretch-thing and puts his arm around me. Then, when we leave, he reaches for my hand and holds it as we walk to get ice cream. We get ice cream and sit down to talk, get to know each other better. Or maybe even, if it's a nice night, we'll go for a walk while eating the ice cream. After that, we go back to his car and head back to my house. We both get out and he walks me up to the door. WE stand there for a second as I fumble with my keys. He reaches up with one hand, placing it on cheek as he steps closer. He leans in part of the way as I lean in as well. Then, we share a simple kiss. Soft and sweet, no expectations. Just a simple good night. He pulls away, drops his hand and steps back with a big smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. HE says good night  and turns to walk back to his car, but he doesn't get in until he knows that I'm in the house safely. Then, he leaves. But later, after he got home and I am getting ready for bed, he'll text me to say he had a good time and that he'd see me the next day or whatever. Then, we'd end up texting until one of us fell asleep.

That's my ideal first date.

Is that too much to ask for? It does not have to go exactly like that, but is the idea clear? I want sweet and romantic and simple. WIth a bit of old-fashionedness. Is that really too much to ask for?

Even with all of this talk about not wanting to be with someone and all of that, I know that deep in my heart I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want a wedding of my dreams and a wonderful man to stand side by side with, facing challenges together and supporting each other through everything. I want a family. Will I ever get this? I don't know. RIght now, my heart is tired and in pain so it's saying it doesn't want to love anymore. But I know deep down it will find someone again. I just hope that next someone will stick it out with me and help me through my bullshit...

I'm Done With You

Just like that, you can make me push my feelings for you away and not feel anything but anger. Yes, I'm angry with you now. You can thank your mom. See, she e-mailed my Dad yesterday asking for his help, but she added that you had gotten over it and moved on. When I heard that after Dad read me the e-mail, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to cry or punch you. To be honest, if you lived in the same city and I had a way to get to you easily, I would have punched you last night. But not today. I'm done. If you are able to move on so quickly and are able to get over it just like that, then that just means that I never meant anything to you. This makes me think that you are just like every other guy and I was completely wrong about you. All you wanted was sex, right? That's when things changed. I gave it to you once and after that, it was a little different. You knew I was okay with it because I had already been with my ex before you.

I took you off my facebook and your mom too. I told my Dad not to help your Mom. It's probably selfish and stupid, but I don't care anymore. You lied to me and hurt me. Plus, you don't want anything to do with me, so I'm not going to have anything to do with you.

But you want to know the absolute worst part? If you really needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. And that absolutely kills me to think about. For one, you won't ever need me. And for two, you wouldn't do that same. And for three, no matter how much I push my feelings away or become numb to it, I will always love you. I hate it! I absolutely hate it...

Now, I'm more angry than anything and I just want to hurt you because deep inside, I'm hurting. The sad thing is, this all started because of me. I broke up with you. Then, after I cooled down, I tried to fix things and talk to you, but you said you were done. I hoped there might have been a chance far in the future, but not anymore. Not after this.

I'm so tired of feeling like I meant so little to people when they meant so much to me.

How is it so easy to get over me?

Am I just that worthless to people?

What's wrong with me?

Finally said something

As I had dreaded, my Dad finally mentioned you today. I somewhat froze for a milisecond before I managed to shake it off and tell them I didn't want to talk about it today. My eyes started to water and I was really trying hard not to start crying because I was trying to cook. My parents instantly knew that something was wrong. Mom was freaking out a little, thinking that I had heard what was going on with you. I managed to say that you were okay. That's when mom made dad leave the kitchen and took over my cooking, getting me to talk to her. I told her what you said about caring for me deeply and because of those feelings we can't be friends or anything, so we should go our seperate ways. By then, I had tears running down my face and she hugged me. She asked if I loved you and I told her yes. It's different with you than with my ex. It's all different with you. I don't want you out of my life, I can't have you out of my life. You have always been around, somewhat lurking in the shadows, but still there. I miss you. I love you.

I can't stop thinking about you and when I do, I have class to hold my focus, but you are in the back of my mind. Lurking.

I keep thinking back to when we were in my room, watching One Peice. How even though it was hot as hell, you still wanted to be close to me. Or when we went camping with your mom and her boyfriend, you finally opened up on the drive there. You relaxed and brought me closer, holding me all the way. You let me fall asleep on your shoulder and kissed me. During that whole week, it was amazing. Yeah, you pulled away a little bit, but I got you to come back to me. If only for a little while before you did it again. But that was okay. You needed your space and I needed mine. But the secret kisses and laying down together in your tent and the looks and the teasing and the wrapping your arms around me and just everything was the best.

How did I just throw that away? But how could you hurt me, too?

That girl. You're best friend, or used to be, or whatever she is. You talked to her more than you talked to me. You told her things before I had to ask you to find out things. It was like she was more important to you than I was. Do you know how that makes me feel? You were my boyfriend, the guy that claimed to love me and even said that you didn't say things you didn't mean, and you put her before me. Am I wrong to be upset and hurt by that? I mean, last I had heard, you weren't even friends with her or even talking to her, but then all of a sudden, you were? What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to feel?

Maybe I did want more than you could give, but you should have tried harder. I tried, but I got tired of trying and feeling like the only one who cared about the relationship.

When I told you that I would do anything to fix this, I honestly meant that. I know I screwed up. Trust me, I do. I learned a valuable lesson from this... But is it really too late to fix things?

My mom says that there might still be a chance seeing as you still haven't defriended me on facebook. She says to just hang back and give things more time to cool down.

Could she be right?

Is there still a chance?

Questions, Regrets...

How do I just walk away?

How do I forget the way you made me feel?

How do I just accept that I just let my only happiness walk away?

How do I stop myself from talking to you or worse begging to see you?

How do I return to the dark after having a light for so long?


But the best question yet is "Why?"

Why did I push you away?

Why did I let myself hurt both of us so badly?

Why didn't I listen to myself rather than my friend?

Why didn't I realize what I had before I just threw it away?

Why did I throw it all away?


I wish there was some way that I could have fixed what I did, but after finally hearing from you last night, I know that is just a silly wish that will never come true. You made it clear that we should go our seperate ways.

I can't bring myself to tell my parents, though. I don't want their sympathy or whatever you want to call it. I don't want my Dad to try to talk to you and help.

My heart is broken. It has finally shattered into peices. I have lost so much since June. Two deaths and now you.

I guess the absolute worst part of all of this is... I was the one that broke up with you and pushed you away. I finally broke my own heart.

The weird thing about it is that I feel nothing. Just as I felt when they died. I was sad and cried a bit, but otherwise, I felt nothing. It was like my brain told me that I was sad and told me to cry. Does that make sense? I'm still sad and angry and hurt. I can't stop thinking about you and the way I screwed my chance up. I had wanted you for so long and when I finally had you, I gave it up. For what? Nothing. I just did because that is what I do when I'm overly stressed or going through something. I push the closest person away from me and at the time, you were the closest because you were my boyfriend. I've pushed my parents away so far I don't even know how to find my way back to them.

And I was looking forward to a future with you...