I don't really know where to start, honestly. I've been missing my ex a lot lately. I've been feeling really lonely. I like this one friend of mine and I'm afraid of telling him, mostly because I am so lonely and I don't want to start anything on that kind of thing. Yaknow? I'd rather start something after I've sorted through my feelings and I'm not feeling so lonely anymore. The feelings of loneliness is very crushing. I get overwhelmed sometimes and I don't like it. It kind of scares me. Like earlier today, I was coming back from the store with Misha (he's staying the night with my roommate and I) and I was stupid enough to mention my ex to him. Now, the two can't stop texting each other. Not that I really care if they are friends or not, but it's just the fact that my ex and I decided to be friends after we broke up and now we don't talk to each other except through comments on facebook and that's barely a conversation. Actually, it's really not. I did try to talk to him a few times, but he never really seemed into it. That was after I gave him some space and he texted me first one day. I just wish I knew where we stood with each other. Are we going to be friends and actually talk with each other? Or are we going to be the friends and not talk to each other? (Which really wouldn't be friends at all) Or what are we doing? I don't want to not talk to him, but at the same time, I don't know what I want. I want to be with him, but then I don't because I don't want it to be like how it used to be. I'm tired of that.
Anyway, so Misha and I were driving back to my place and we were listening to my Nickelback CD and all of a sudden, I couldn't listen to Far Away. I just couldn't. It was hard, I got close to just shutting down for a second, then I had to change it. I told Misha that I couldn't listen to the song anymore and he asked why, but I wouldn't tell him. I kind of just turned up the music. He patted my shoulder and said something. It made me feel worse. I think the absolute worst part of the drive was when I asked Misha where he would be sleeping tonight (if we actually got any sleep) and he said the couch. I asked why (I think I mentioned before that we slept in the same bed last time) and he said that since we went on that date, he didn't feel anything between us and he just wasn't comfortable with it. That really hit hard with me. Not so much as the not feeling anything between us (that's fine with me) but the fact that we couldn't sleep in the same bed. (I'll admit right here and now that one of the reasons why I invited him over was to sleep with him [not in the sexual way, just cuddle and literally sleep]) I got quiet for the rest of the ride home and I immediately went up to take a shower because I needed a moment alone with myself. For some reason, I was thinking that the one person that I always felt like I could be close with mentally and (just recently) physically, I can't anymore. It was like all of a sudden, my best friend didn't want to be my best friend anymore. I just lost control for a second and I don't really understand why this had such an effect on me the way it did, with such force. It was intense and I just knew one thing: I had to remove myself from his company, if only for a few minutes, to collect myself.
I just don't understand myself, sometimes. I really don't.
Maybe I had such a reaction because I'm so lonely and I really don't have much prospects for boyfriends right now or just dating. I don't have anyone to cuddle with or to watch chick flicks with or to hold me at times when I need it or anything.
I just feel alone and yet I know that I'm not. Does that make sense?
That's just what's bugging me right now. Besides, it's 4am and I'm pretty tired. Can't really think about what else is bugging me. It's mostly Misha and my ex. Yay me, right? -sighs-
