I've been thinking a lot lately and there's one thing that I really miss that Misha and I did a lot. I miss talking on the phone with him. It would always been random, too. I miss those conversations. Usually he would call me because he just wanted to talk or whatever... I remember this one night about a yr and half ago, we talked on the phone for like 4-5hrs or something like that. It was a really long and it was one of the few times we talked on the phone until we fell asleep. I loved it. That night is counted under one of the best nights of my life, just because we talked for so long and we talked until we fell asleep.
I don't really understand how little things such as talking on the phone until falling asleep or hanging out or just talking can make me so happy, but it does. Especially with Misha because he is one of my best friends in the whole world and I love talking to him. He makes me laugh and think and I know I can be myself with him. I don't have to worry about being what he wants me to be or holding myself back (to some extent, at least, because I know I do when it comes to physical distance). He knows when something is wrong with me or usually when I'm lying. He's truthful with me and tells me exactly what he thinks. I do the same with him and I don't have to worry about hurting our friendship. I can talk to him about anything, but that doesn't mean that I always do because some things I just would rather not talk about.
With any of my other friends, I have to hold back a bit. Like with one of my friends, the gullible blonde, she says she's not judgmental, but she really is. I can only talk to her about some things or I don't talk at all, she'll just complain about something or other to me and I listen. Such as not seeing her boyfriend or complaining about not having enough time for him. Screw that! I've known of a couple times where the two have been in the library at the same time, but at different sections. Seriously, if you want to spend time with your significant other, you freakin' find time to be with them! Even if it's doing homework together or studying for different classes. You are still together, right? But no, I swear most of it is self-inflicted.
I'm closer to one of my roommates than the other and I'm trying to be better friends with the other one, but it's hard. I do a lot of things with one roommate and not the other. I can talk to them about a lot, but I just don't want to tell them everything about me. I just can't. I'll share some things, but there's a line.
My ex and I are still friends. We don't really talk much, though. Which, I understand. I just wish things didn't end the way they did. I don't understand how literally one day I was so happy to spend many more years with him and the next, I just couldn't do it. I wasn't happy. It was crazy. At first, I was okay with things, it didn't bother me, but now, I'm kind of feeling some effects. I'm still in love with him, but I don't want to get back with him mostly because of his self-esteem. I've tried to build him up so many times, but he tears himself down saying that he wasn't good enough for me and all this other shit. I can only take that so many times before I'm through. Is that a bad thing? I'm not sure, but I feel bad for feeling that way...
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Mr(s) Lonely
I have been thinking the past like 2 days and I have figured out what is going on...
I've figured out that I'm rather lonely. I don't crave to cuddle with Misha anymore. I never really craved it specifically with him. I just missed having someone to sleep with, someone to cuddle with. I miss it, so much. I have decided that I absolutely hate coming home to a cold, empty bed. I'm just really lonely and I hate the feeling. I feel like I'm going to sleep (no sex) with the next guy that spends the night. I don't want that. I think the only guy that I would let spend the night and sleep in my bed would be Misha. I don't really want anyone else or trust them.
Also, I have figured out that I don't have urges towards Misha. I have impulses that I usually act on, but I hold myself back with him. With my other friends, I don't hold myself back. Then there's Misha. I always restrain myself with him because I'm afraid of doing something to make him uncomfortable. I'm always worried about my actions around him and it frustrates me to no end. half the time I don't realize I'm holding myself back until a really strong urge comes up. Such as when I'm driving him someplace and we're talking about something and I say something or he says something that warrants a pat of reassurance, since I can't really reach his shoulder I want to pat his leg, but I don't want it to be taken as a sexual sign or something. It's just the only place I can actually reach without twisting my arm in awkward positions. It's funny because he always pats my shoulder. I honestly wouldn't mind if he patted my knee or something, I wouldn't take it sexually. Especially when in the car since it's such a small space and really awkward to reach the shoulder.
There is this one night that I was taking him home and I keep going back to it because I'm not entirely sure what happened. I can't figure it out... He was messing with my phone, trying to break into it and I was trying to grab it away from him without running us off the road. He grabbed hold of my hand with his free hand and we kind of just stopped. I put my arm down and he held onto my hand for a bit longer than necessary. I still go back to that and try to figure out what happened. My brain went dead for a moment until he let go. We went quiet for a little while. I don't really think it was awkward, just we didn't know what happened. It was odd.
I just... I'm just not sure. I hate the fact I have to control my impulses around him. Like the day that he spent the night and I walked him to the bus stop. I had a strong impulse to kiss him on the cheek, but of course, I didn't. It wasn't a romantic thing, I just wanted to thank him for being there and calming me down when I had the two almost panic attacks. But I was afraid he'd take it the other way and it'd get awkward.
I know that I can talk to Misha about any and everything, but I usually don't. Mostly because I won't let myself. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's because I can't really voice the things that are going on in my mind and I don't want to make things worst. I'm just not used to being able to talk to someone fully and completely. I feel too exposed and vulnerable. That one night, I really wanted to tell him about certain things cause he asked, but I couldn't because I almost had my panic attacks. I'm sure I could stay calm long enough to tell him and I really want to, but at the same time, it's something that not many, if any, people know. I want to spill everything to him, but I'm afraid of what that means and he wouldn't see it as such a giant bound in our friendship as I do.
I'm just afraid of a lot of things and I'm pretty sure that I don't have to be. I think most of the fears is just me trying to keep myself protected and keep people at a distance.
I have a lot to work through, I guess.
I've figured out that I'm rather lonely. I don't crave to cuddle with Misha anymore. I never really craved it specifically with him. I just missed having someone to sleep with, someone to cuddle with. I miss it, so much. I have decided that I absolutely hate coming home to a cold, empty bed. I'm just really lonely and I hate the feeling. I feel like I'm going to sleep (no sex) with the next guy that spends the night. I don't want that. I think the only guy that I would let spend the night and sleep in my bed would be Misha. I don't really want anyone else or trust them.
Also, I have figured out that I don't have urges towards Misha. I have impulses that I usually act on, but I hold myself back with him. With my other friends, I don't hold myself back. Then there's Misha. I always restrain myself with him because I'm afraid of doing something to make him uncomfortable. I'm always worried about my actions around him and it frustrates me to no end. half the time I don't realize I'm holding myself back until a really strong urge comes up. Such as when I'm driving him someplace and we're talking about something and I say something or he says something that warrants a pat of reassurance, since I can't really reach his shoulder I want to pat his leg, but I don't want it to be taken as a sexual sign or something. It's just the only place I can actually reach without twisting my arm in awkward positions. It's funny because he always pats my shoulder. I honestly wouldn't mind if he patted my knee or something, I wouldn't take it sexually. Especially when in the car since it's such a small space and really awkward to reach the shoulder.
There is this one night that I was taking him home and I keep going back to it because I'm not entirely sure what happened. I can't figure it out... He was messing with my phone, trying to break into it and I was trying to grab it away from him without running us off the road. He grabbed hold of my hand with his free hand and we kind of just stopped. I put my arm down and he held onto my hand for a bit longer than necessary. I still go back to that and try to figure out what happened. My brain went dead for a moment until he let go. We went quiet for a little while. I don't really think it was awkward, just we didn't know what happened. It was odd.
I just... I'm just not sure. I hate the fact I have to control my impulses around him. Like the day that he spent the night and I walked him to the bus stop. I had a strong impulse to kiss him on the cheek, but of course, I didn't. It wasn't a romantic thing, I just wanted to thank him for being there and calming me down when I had the two almost panic attacks. But I was afraid he'd take it the other way and it'd get awkward.
I know that I can talk to Misha about any and everything, but I usually don't. Mostly because I won't let myself. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's because I can't really voice the things that are going on in my mind and I don't want to make things worst. I'm just not used to being able to talk to someone fully and completely. I feel too exposed and vulnerable. That one night, I really wanted to tell him about certain things cause he asked, but I couldn't because I almost had my panic attacks. I'm sure I could stay calm long enough to tell him and I really want to, but at the same time, it's something that not many, if any, people know. I want to spill everything to him, but I'm afraid of what that means and he wouldn't see it as such a giant bound in our friendship as I do.
I'm just afraid of a lot of things and I'm pretty sure that I don't have to be. I think most of the fears is just me trying to keep myself protected and keep people at a distance.
I have a lot to work through, I guess.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Skittles
I'm sitting here eating Skittles, watching Hairspray, and waiting for a text. Been wanting to text Misha since Friday, but I didn't want to bother him and almost every time I thought about it, it was kinda late at night. Then, last night he texted me, but I was in the movie theater (watching Thor!!) and I didn't get it til I got home around midnight. I texted back, but I'm pretty sure he was asleep. Oh well. He even texted me again this morning, but I wasn't awake and didn't answer til later in the afternoon. Of course, no response til like an hr ago. It's like text tag or something, it's funny.
So, my weekend was somewhat uneventful til Sunday night. I was covering a shift for one of my team members. Well, someone else was supposed to cover the next shift, but they never showed up so I had to cover. Ugh! It sucked. Oh well, had no other choice since no one would answer their phone. Hopefully I didn't get in trouble, but I don't think so because I haven't gotten a call or anything. So, I should be good.
Last night was so much fun! My parents, one of my roommates, and I went to see Thor. My Dad treated us to Red Lobster. It was the best! Omg! Thor was hilarious!! My roommate and I think that they have to make a 3rd Thor to explain the ending cause we're still trying to figure it out. We loved Loki in it, though! Surprise, surprise, one of my fav Doctors was in it, as well. I didn't notice until my roommate pointed him out. It was cool.
So, yeah, that's a quick update on the cool things the past few days.
So, my weekend was somewhat uneventful til Sunday night. I was covering a shift for one of my team members. Well, someone else was supposed to cover the next shift, but they never showed up so I had to cover. Ugh! It sucked. Oh well, had no other choice since no one would answer their phone. Hopefully I didn't get in trouble, but I don't think so because I haven't gotten a call or anything. So, I should be good.
Last night was so much fun! My parents, one of my roommates, and I went to see Thor. My Dad treated us to Red Lobster. It was the best! Omg! Thor was hilarious!! My roommate and I think that they have to make a 3rd Thor to explain the ending cause we're still trying to figure it out. We loved Loki in it, though! Surprise, surprise, one of my fav Doctors was in it, as well. I didn't notice until my roommate pointed him out. It was cool.
So, yeah, that's a quick update on the cool things the past few days.
Friday, November 8, 2013
First For Everything
So, I went on that date with Misha this morning. I think it went pretty well. It wasn't much different than our normal hanging out, but oh well. It was still a lot of fun, even when he nearly died from Wasabi. He must've thought it went well because he said we were going to this arcade for our second date. So, we'll see what happens, I suppose. NO pressure (:
It's still so weird when he touches me, even if it's just to pat my shoulder or something. I'm not used to it! Haha. But I don't mind it. I'm getting a little more comfortable about the touching thing, though, because we walk close together, sometimes with our shoulders touching and today we sat on opposite ends of a bench but ended up sitting close together. I often run into him as we are walking, as well. We even push each other, playfully.
Even today in the car when I was dropping him off (he had class), he was teasing me and he patted my shoulder, but then he like rubbed it a little. It was really weird because I'm not used to him freely touching me. Except for hugs. Idk, it's just crazy. I don't mind it, though. I'm glad that he's chill enough to do it, just trying to get used to it.
I'm still really iffy on how much I can touch him, so I hold back a lot. Which is no big deal.
It's still so weird when he touches me, even if it's just to pat my shoulder or something. I'm not used to it! Haha. But I don't mind it. I'm getting a little more comfortable about the touching thing, though, because we walk close together, sometimes with our shoulders touching and today we sat on opposite ends of a bench but ended up sitting close together. I often run into him as we are walking, as well. We even push each other, playfully.
Even today in the car when I was dropping him off (he had class), he was teasing me and he patted my shoulder, but then he like rubbed it a little. It was really weird because I'm not used to him freely touching me. Except for hugs. Idk, it's just crazy. I don't mind it, though. I'm glad that he's chill enough to do it, just trying to get used to it.
I'm still really iffy on how much I can touch him, so I hold back a lot. Which is no big deal.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Follow The Yellow Brick Road
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do and such. My friend, Misha, had a lot to do with this. He showed me an article about a guy that travels the world. Granted this guy was super rich and could actually afford things, but it got me thinking. I've always wanted to go to a few places, but never really thought much of it. Then, I listened to this article with Misha and I started to really think. It made me realize what I really want in life after college. I decided that my ex was not making me happy and after so long of saying that we would be together for many years, I don't want that. I want to travel as much as possible and see things and be free. Maybe someday I'd like a family, but not now.
Anyway, I started to write places down in my notebook of where I want to go and a couple things I wanted to see there. It's a good sized list. I've decided to start in the US and then branch out. So, I've decided to start with Disneyland, then go to Disneyworld and Universal Studios (which includes Harry Potter world/land/park or whatever) along with Mall of America and awesome amusement parks that catch my attention.
I've even wrote down a couple plans for how to accomplish this. I just hope it's enough, but so far I've decided that during the summers I'm going to get a 2nd job (possibly a 3rd, if I can) and save all of that money. I need to pay off my car and the one debt that I have left. I'm going to continue taking out the school loans each yr to help pay for school and to build some savings.
There are so many places I want to see and go. I just hope that I can find someone to travel with because I really don't want to travel alone. We'll get to that when it comes around, though.
Anyway, I started to write places down in my notebook of where I want to go and a couple things I wanted to see there. It's a good sized list. I've decided to start in the US and then branch out. So, I've decided to start with Disneyland, then go to Disneyworld and Universal Studios (which includes Harry Potter world/land/park or whatever) along with Mall of America and awesome amusement parks that catch my attention.
I've even wrote down a couple plans for how to accomplish this. I just hope it's enough, but so far I've decided that during the summers I'm going to get a 2nd job (possibly a 3rd, if I can) and save all of that money. I need to pay off my car and the one debt that I have left. I'm going to continue taking out the school loans each yr to help pay for school and to build some savings.
There are so many places I want to see and go. I just hope that I can find someone to travel with because I really don't want to travel alone. We'll get to that when it comes around, though.
Craziness
Things have taken so many turns in the last year that it is crazy right now. I never thought things would be like this.
My ex and I had gotten back together over the summer and just didn't count the break-ups. We said we were together for 2yrs. Things were okay for a while after we got back together, but then he didn't have a job and he moved back with his parents. My parents still didn't approve of his choices and all this other stuff. We were making it work up until about 2 weeks ago and finally today, we agreed that it was an official break up and not a break. So, now, there is no chance of us getting together, but that's okay. I wasn't ready to get back together with him, right now. Even if he just got a job. I just saw so many things wrong with the relationship and recently, I've realized what I wanted or what our relationship was missing.
A little over a week ago, my best friend/"brother" (let's call him Misha) that I was always talking about finally came over to stay the night with my roommates and I. (I recently moved out of my parents and closer to school with two of my friends.) Anyway, we had kind of started talking about dating again. So, I noticed a slight change in our relationship because before there was a distance between us, both physical and mental, but recently I noticed that this distance was shrinking. It was especially obvious when we started to walk closer together and talk more and he was being more touchy than usual. (My roommate even said that there was something between us.) That night he came over, one of my roommates and us were watching a movie. She was on the couch, he was in a chair, and I was in the other chair. Well, she went to bed shortly after starting the last movie, so I moved to the couch, using his jacket as a blanket cause I got cold. Well, he had gotten up and plopped down on the couch with me, randomly. We sat close enough to touch as we watched the movie. It was weird, but at the same time really nice even though my heart was beating a million miles an hour and I was kind of nervous. After the movie ended we decided it was time for bed, so he followed me to my room and I told him that the bed was big enough for us to share (didn't think he would accept the offer). He said okay and we ended up sharing the bed. It was so weird because I had shared a bed with one other guy (let's call him Jovi) besides my ex boyfriend and that was a disaster. I was scared to be in bed with Jovi and it just went down hill. But this time, with Misha, I felt comfortable. We were talking for a bit and then he asks if we should cuddle (cause he had previously warned me that he was cuddler) and I laughed because he had to ask. So, we cuddled and I was relaxed with him. I felt safe and content. Slowly, I was getting more comfortable with him and started to really relax and not worry about where my hand should go or whatever. We talked for a bit longer, then fell asleep. In the morning, I did not want to get up and I didn't want him to leave, but he did. After that, I felt so low and horrible and I couldn't figure why. I ended up taking a na later that day because I felt so bad.
Every time I lay in bed, I think of that night with him and I crave to be with him again. Nothing about it was sexual and I loved that. There were no expectations or anything. We were just talking. It was a huge step in our friendship and I think it brought us closer a bit.
Well, he asked me out on a date last week, but we couldn't make it work, so we finally rescheduled for Friday. I'm kind of excited because I want to see him again and I finally want to break our cycle. See, he's asked me out before, but he canceled and we never went back. We've talked about dating a few times in the past, but we never did. Now, we are talking and it may actually happen, but I'm afraid that something's going to happen and it will be another repeat and the cycle will continue again.
For a long time, I honestly thought that I was over my feelings for him and that I got over my stupid crush. Of course, i was wrong. Sometimes, he can bring those feelings back out of me if he does something or say something. I just don't know, anymore. I often find myself wanting to kiss him, randomly, if we're hanging out. That's how I know my feelings are back because I have the urge to kiss him, hold his hand, or have him wrap his arm around me. It's annoying, but now I know what it's like to cuddle with him in bed and I love it. I love the feeling and I crave it when I'm in bed at night.
Here's what I wrote the other day in class:
(skipping a few lines since I've already stated them in my above paragraphs, but I will repeat some things in this) After all this time, I thought I was over him and my feelings. Apparently not. I'm not sure if it was a reflex or I was half asleep and my brain thought it was my ex instead, but I had wanted to say "I love you" more than once. Don't know if I meant it or not, at least in a romantic way. Obviously I love him, he's my best friend, but I'm not sure if it was meant as friendship or romance. Somehow, I managed not to say anything. Don't know how I would've explained that to him. It surprised me how easy it was to cuddle with him. I wanted to be close to him, I felt safe I actually slept decently. Unlike the times I spent near Jovi. I didn't feel safe. not sure if it was because of Jovi or the fact I was with my ex. Even sleeping with Misha, it seemed different than with my ex There was noting sexual between us. We actually talked. That's the thing, we talk vs my ex and I don't really talk like that. I just don't know what to feel or think. I want more with Misha, but I have a feeling that this is a repeat of every other time I've felt this way or we've talked about dating. It's like our relationship has shifted, just slightly, I'm not sure if he's noticed it or not, but I feel it. I've seen it, too. The original distance between us has shrunk drastically. That night was the biggest leap in our friendship. Now, I don't know if I can look at him the same. I've reverted back to my old self in a way. Before, I had the urge to kiss him or hold his hand or arm. Sometimes, I hate these feelings because I knew it'd never happen. Got used to it.
It just makes me wonder if I really love my ex or not. Or if I ever did. But I think you can love more than one person. The love would be different. Not saying I'm in love with Misha. This is really annoying. I'm rather tired of it. We've done this all before except the sleeping together. Is it a sign that things may change and we won't repeat? If it does repeat and things won't work out, I think it will be the last time. I'm so tired of playing around like this. We've done it to many times and will prob keep going it until one of us gets into a relationship and can't.
He's my best friend and I can talk to him about any and everything, but sometimes I can't or won't let myself. Like what is going through my head, now. I can't bring myself to tell him anything even though I desperately want to.
Things are changing with Misha, but I can't figure out how. Will we finally be together? Will our friendship get stronger and nothing else? Is this a test for Misha and I, my ex and I, or just me? Am I over thinking things? There is so much going through my head, I don't know what to do with it all. Who do I talk to? I'm afraid to talk to Misha, now. I can't talk to my ex. I don' really wanna spill these things to my best friend or my roommates. Jovi is out of the picture and so is his girlfriend. I just don't know. I want to talk to Misha, but I'm afraid of what will happen. He's finally opening up and we're getting closer, I'm worried that something like this will push him away. I don't want that as much as I know I can talk to Misha about any and everything. I can't do that right now. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it myself and try not to focus on it very much. UGH!!!
I think that's enough for now, honestly.
My ex and I had gotten back together over the summer and just didn't count the break-ups. We said we were together for 2yrs. Things were okay for a while after we got back together, but then he didn't have a job and he moved back with his parents. My parents still didn't approve of his choices and all this other stuff. We were making it work up until about 2 weeks ago and finally today, we agreed that it was an official break up and not a break. So, now, there is no chance of us getting together, but that's okay. I wasn't ready to get back together with him, right now. Even if he just got a job. I just saw so many things wrong with the relationship and recently, I've realized what I wanted or what our relationship was missing.
A little over a week ago, my best friend/"brother" (let's call him Misha) that I was always talking about finally came over to stay the night with my roommates and I. (I recently moved out of my parents and closer to school with two of my friends.) Anyway, we had kind of started talking about dating again. So, I noticed a slight change in our relationship because before there was a distance between us, both physical and mental, but recently I noticed that this distance was shrinking. It was especially obvious when we started to walk closer together and talk more and he was being more touchy than usual. (My roommate even said that there was something between us.) That night he came over, one of my roommates and us were watching a movie. She was on the couch, he was in a chair, and I was in the other chair. Well, she went to bed shortly after starting the last movie, so I moved to the couch, using his jacket as a blanket cause I got cold. Well, he had gotten up and plopped down on the couch with me, randomly. We sat close enough to touch as we watched the movie. It was weird, but at the same time really nice even though my heart was beating a million miles an hour and I was kind of nervous. After the movie ended we decided it was time for bed, so he followed me to my room and I told him that the bed was big enough for us to share (didn't think he would accept the offer). He said okay and we ended up sharing the bed. It was so weird because I had shared a bed with one other guy (let's call him Jovi) besides my ex boyfriend and that was a disaster. I was scared to be in bed with Jovi and it just went down hill. But this time, with Misha, I felt comfortable. We were talking for a bit and then he asks if we should cuddle (cause he had previously warned me that he was cuddler) and I laughed because he had to ask. So, we cuddled and I was relaxed with him. I felt safe and content. Slowly, I was getting more comfortable with him and started to really relax and not worry about where my hand should go or whatever. We talked for a bit longer, then fell asleep. In the morning, I did not want to get up and I didn't want him to leave, but he did. After that, I felt so low and horrible and I couldn't figure why. I ended up taking a na later that day because I felt so bad.
Every time I lay in bed, I think of that night with him and I crave to be with him again. Nothing about it was sexual and I loved that. There were no expectations or anything. We were just talking. It was a huge step in our friendship and I think it brought us closer a bit.
Well, he asked me out on a date last week, but we couldn't make it work, so we finally rescheduled for Friday. I'm kind of excited because I want to see him again and I finally want to break our cycle. See, he's asked me out before, but he canceled and we never went back. We've talked about dating a few times in the past, but we never did. Now, we are talking and it may actually happen, but I'm afraid that something's going to happen and it will be another repeat and the cycle will continue again.
For a long time, I honestly thought that I was over my feelings for him and that I got over my stupid crush. Of course, i was wrong. Sometimes, he can bring those feelings back out of me if he does something or say something. I just don't know, anymore. I often find myself wanting to kiss him, randomly, if we're hanging out. That's how I know my feelings are back because I have the urge to kiss him, hold his hand, or have him wrap his arm around me. It's annoying, but now I know what it's like to cuddle with him in bed and I love it. I love the feeling and I crave it when I'm in bed at night.
Here's what I wrote the other day in class:
(skipping a few lines since I've already stated them in my above paragraphs, but I will repeat some things in this) After all this time, I thought I was over him and my feelings. Apparently not. I'm not sure if it was a reflex or I was half asleep and my brain thought it was my ex instead, but I had wanted to say "I love you" more than once. Don't know if I meant it or not, at least in a romantic way. Obviously I love him, he's my best friend, but I'm not sure if it was meant as friendship or romance. Somehow, I managed not to say anything. Don't know how I would've explained that to him. It surprised me how easy it was to cuddle with him. I wanted to be close to him, I felt safe I actually slept decently. Unlike the times I spent near Jovi. I didn't feel safe. not sure if it was because of Jovi or the fact I was with my ex. Even sleeping with Misha, it seemed different than with my ex There was noting sexual between us. We actually talked. That's the thing, we talk vs my ex and I don't really talk like that. I just don't know what to feel or think. I want more with Misha, but I have a feeling that this is a repeat of every other time I've felt this way or we've talked about dating. It's like our relationship has shifted, just slightly, I'm not sure if he's noticed it or not, but I feel it. I've seen it, too. The original distance between us has shrunk drastically. That night was the biggest leap in our friendship. Now, I don't know if I can look at him the same. I've reverted back to my old self in a way. Before, I had the urge to kiss him or hold his hand or arm. Sometimes, I hate these feelings because I knew it'd never happen. Got used to it.
It just makes me wonder if I really love my ex or not. Or if I ever did. But I think you can love more than one person. The love would be different. Not saying I'm in love with Misha. This is really annoying. I'm rather tired of it. We've done this all before except the sleeping together. Is it a sign that things may change and we won't repeat? If it does repeat and things won't work out, I think it will be the last time. I'm so tired of playing around like this. We've done it to many times and will prob keep going it until one of us gets into a relationship and can't.
He's my best friend and I can talk to him about any and everything, but sometimes I can't or won't let myself. Like what is going through my head, now. I can't bring myself to tell him anything even though I desperately want to.
Things are changing with Misha, but I can't figure out how. Will we finally be together? Will our friendship get stronger and nothing else? Is this a test for Misha and I, my ex and I, or just me? Am I over thinking things? There is so much going through my head, I don't know what to do with it all. Who do I talk to? I'm afraid to talk to Misha, now. I can't talk to my ex. I don' really wanna spill these things to my best friend or my roommates. Jovi is out of the picture and so is his girlfriend. I just don't know. I want to talk to Misha, but I'm afraid of what will happen. He's finally opening up and we're getting closer, I'm worried that something like this will push him away. I don't want that as much as I know I can talk to Misha about any and everything. I can't do that right now. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it myself and try not to focus on it very much. UGH!!!
I think that's enough for now, honestly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)