Craziness

Things have taken so many turns in the last year that it is crazy right now. I never thought things would be like this. 

My ex and I had gotten back together over the summer and just didn't count the break-ups. We said we were together for 2yrs. Things were okay for a while after we got back together, but then he didn't have a job and he moved back with his parents. My parents still didn't approve of his choices and all this other stuff. We were making it work up until about 2 weeks ago and finally today, we agreed that it was an official break up and not a break. So, now, there is no chance of us getting together, but that's okay. I wasn't ready to get back together with him, right now. Even if he just got a job. I just saw so many things wrong with the relationship and recently, I've realized what I wanted or what our relationship was missing. 

A little over a week ago, my best friend/"brother" (let's call him Misha) that I was always talking about finally came over to stay the night with my roommates and I. (I recently moved out of my parents and closer to school with two of my friends.) Anyway, we had kind of started talking about dating again. So, I noticed a slight change in our relationship because before there was a distance between us, both physical and mental, but recently I noticed that this distance was shrinking. It was especially obvious when we started to walk closer together and talk more and he was being more touchy than usual. (My roommate even said that there was something between us.) That night he came over, one of my roommates and us were watching a movie. She was on the couch, he was in a chair, and I was in the other chair. Well, she went to bed shortly after starting the last movie, so I moved to the couch, using his jacket as a blanket cause I got cold. Well, he had gotten up and plopped down on the couch with me, randomly. We sat close enough to touch as we watched the movie. It was weird, but at the same time really nice even though my heart was beating a million miles an hour and I was kind of nervous. After the movie ended we decided it was time for bed, so he followed me to my room and I told him that the bed was big enough for us to share (didn't think he would accept the offer). He said okay and we ended up sharing the bed. It was so weird because I had shared a bed with one other guy (let's call him Jovi) besides my ex boyfriend and that was a disaster. I was scared to be in bed with Jovi and it just went down hill. But this time, with Misha, I felt comfortable. We were talking for a bit and then he asks if we should cuddle (cause he had previously warned me that he was cuddler) and I laughed because he had to ask. So, we cuddled and I was relaxed with him. I felt safe and content. Slowly, I was getting more comfortable with him and started to really relax and not worry about where my hand should go or whatever. We talked for a bit longer, then fell asleep. In the morning, I did not want to get up and I didn't want him to leave, but he did. After that, I felt so low and horrible and I couldn't figure why. I ended up taking a na later that day because I felt so bad. 

Every time I lay in bed, I think of that night with him and I crave to be with him again. Nothing about it was sexual and I loved that. There were no expectations or anything. We were just talking. It was a huge step in our friendship and I think it brought us closer a bit. 

Well, he asked me out on a date last week, but we couldn't make it work, so we finally rescheduled for Friday. I'm kind of excited because I want to see him again and I finally want to break our cycle. See, he's asked me out before, but he canceled and we never went back. We've talked about dating a few times in the past, but we never did. Now, we are talking and it may actually happen, but I'm afraid that something's going to happen and it will be another repeat and the cycle will continue again. 

For a long time, I honestly thought that I was over my feelings for him and that I got over my stupid crush. Of course, i was wrong. Sometimes, he can bring those feelings back out of me if he does something or say something. I just don't know, anymore. I often find myself wanting to kiss him, randomly, if we're hanging out. That's how I know my feelings are back because I have the urge to kiss him, hold his hand, or have him wrap his arm around me. It's annoying, but now I know what it's like to cuddle with him in bed and I love it. I love the feeling and I crave it when I'm in bed at night. 

Here's what I wrote the other day in class: 
                   (skipping a few lines since I've already stated them in my above paragraphs, but I will repeat some things in this) After all this time, I thought I was over him and my feelings. Apparently not. I'm not sure if it was a reflex or I was half asleep and my brain thought it was my ex instead, but I had wanted to say "I love you" more than once. Don't know if I meant it or not, at least in a romantic way. Obviously I love him, he's my best friend, but I'm not sure if it was meant as friendship or romance. Somehow, I managed not to say anything. Don't know how I would've explained that to him. It surprised me how easy it was to cuddle with him. I wanted to be close to him, I felt safe I actually slept decently. Unlike the times I spent near Jovi. I didn't feel safe. not sure if it was because of Jovi or the fact I was with my ex. Even sleeping with Misha, it seemed different than with my ex There was noting sexual between us. We actually talked. That's the thing, we talk vs my ex and I don't really talk like that. I just don't know what to feel or think. I want more with Misha, but I have a feeling that this is a repeat of every other time I've felt this way or we've talked about dating. It's like our relationship has shifted, just slightly, I'm not sure if he's noticed it or not, but I feel it. I've seen it, too. The original distance between us has shrunk drastically. That night was the biggest leap in our friendship. Now, I don't know if I can look at him the same. I've reverted back to my old self in a way. Before, I had the urge to kiss him or hold his hand or arm. Sometimes, I hate these feelings because I knew it'd never happen. Got used to it. 
It just makes me wonder if I really love my ex or not. Or if I ever did. But I think you can love more than one person. The love would be different. Not saying I'm in love with Misha. This is really annoying. I'm rather tired of it. We've done this all before except the sleeping together. Is it a sign that things may change and we won't repeat? If it does repeat and things won't work out, I think it will be the last time. I'm so tired of playing around like this. We've done it to many times and will prob keep going it until one of us gets into a relationship and can't. 
He's my best friend and I can talk to him about any and everything, but sometimes I can't or won't let myself. Like what is going through my head, now. I can't bring myself to tell him anything even though I desperately want to. 
Things are changing with Misha, but I can't figure out how. Will we finally be together? Will our friendship get stronger and nothing else? Is this a test for Misha and I, my ex and I, or just me? Am I over thinking things? There is so much going through my head, I don't know what to do with it all. Who do I talk to? I'm afraid to talk to Misha, now. I can't talk to my ex. I don' really wanna spill these things to my best friend or my roommates. Jovi is out of the picture and so is his girlfriend. I just don't know. I want to talk to Misha, but I'm afraid of what will happen. He's finally opening up and we're getting closer, I'm worried that something like this will push him away. I don't want that as much as I know I can talk to Misha about any and everything. I can't do that right now. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it myself and try not to focus on it very much. UGH!!! 

I think that's enough for now, honestly.