Mr(s) Lonely

I have been thinking the past like 2 days and I have figured out what is going on... 
I've figured out that I'm rather lonely. I don't crave to cuddle with Misha anymore. I never really craved it specifically with him. I just missed having someone to sleep with, someone to cuddle with. I miss it, so much. I have decided that I absolutely hate coming home to a cold, empty bed. I'm just really lonely and I hate the feeling. I feel like I'm going to sleep (no sex) with the next guy that spends the night. I don't want that. I think the only guy that I would let spend the night and sleep in my bed would be Misha. I don't really want anyone else or trust them. 
Also, I have figured out that I don't have urges towards Misha. I have impulses that I usually act on, but I hold myself back with him. With my other friends, I don't hold myself back. Then there's Misha. I always restrain myself with him because I'm afraid of doing something to make him uncomfortable. I'm always worried about my actions around him and it frustrates me to no end. half the time I don't realize I'm holding myself back until a really strong urge comes up. Such as when I'm driving him someplace and we're talking about something and I say something or he says something that warrants a pat of reassurance, since I can't really reach his shoulder I want to pat his leg, but I don't want it to be taken as a sexual sign or something. It's just the only place I can actually reach without twisting my arm in awkward positions. It's funny because he always pats my shoulder. I honestly wouldn't mind if he patted my knee or something, I wouldn't take it sexually. Especially when in the car since it's such a small space and really awkward to reach the shoulder. 
There is this one night that I was taking him home and I keep going back to it because I'm not entirely sure what happened. I can't figure it out... He was messing with my phone, trying to break into it and I was trying to grab it away from him without running us off the road. He grabbed hold of my hand with his free hand and we kind of just stopped. I put my arm down and he held onto my hand for a bit longer than necessary. I still go back to that and try to figure out what happened. My brain went dead for a moment until he let go. We went quiet for a little while. I don't really think it was awkward, just we didn't know what happened. It was odd. 
I just... I'm just not sure. I hate the fact I have to control my impulses around him. Like the day that he spent the night and I walked him to the bus stop. I had a strong impulse to kiss him on the cheek, but of course, I didn't. It wasn't a romantic thing, I just wanted to thank him for being there and calming me down when I had the two almost panic attacks. But I was afraid he'd take it the other way and it'd get awkward. 
I know that I can talk to Misha about any and everything, but I usually don't. Mostly because I won't let myself. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's because I can't really voice the things that are going on in my mind and I don't want to make things worst. I'm just not used to being able to talk to someone fully and completely. I feel too exposed and vulnerable. That one night, I really wanted to tell him about certain things cause he asked, but I couldn't because I almost had my panic attacks. I'm sure I could stay calm long enough to tell him and I really want to, but at the same time, it's something that not many, if any, people know. I want to spill everything to him, but I'm afraid of what that means and he wouldn't see it as such a giant bound in our friendship as I do.
I'm just afraid of a lot of things and I'm pretty sure that I don't have to be. I think most of the fears is just me trying to keep myself protected and keep people at a distance. 
I have a lot to work through, I guess.